drama - too much too fast

all i have to say is why must i be put in the middle of drama that i did not create or have part in. i want to move on with my life, get rid of the drama and harrassment but that is so not happening. now not only do i have my soon to be ex contacting me with nonsense, is girlfriend or ex girlfriend whatever it is, is contacting me too. really, i didnt ask for this never contacted her and have stayed out of their relationship unless it came to my kids.

i want to move out of my apartment but i cant because my ex wont sell the house and wont take my name off either.

Worse Case Sceanario

Well it is true. He is going away with his job. He lives very soon. What am I to do? Where does that leave us? None of these questions have been answered. I hope that they will be prior to him leaving. I still love him as I have for the last 6 months. I'm not real sure how I will be able to deal with not seeing him anymore. Will we still talk? I told him at a minimum I would like to be his friend. He said that would be hard.

What does he want to happen? Will I ever know what he really wants?

It's been a long time

Well, it's been a while since I posted. So much is going on and I can't put it out for the world to read. I can say I'm still in love with him.

Let's go here.... Trust
I have so many people in my ear. I really dont know whom to trust. Everyone seems to have their own agenda these days. Is it that they like me and want to see my relationship fail? Are they jealous of what I have with him? Do they want me not to get hurt? Who knows. I do know that I trust him. If he tells me something I'm taking him at his word.

.....Leaving...
He has to go away for work. I am upset about it. What can I do? Nothing. I know he doesn't want to go for many reasons. He started to push me away. It hurt for him to do it. I understand why but it doesn't make it any easier. I don't know what he will want to do while he is gone. I have told him my feelings. I wish I knew what the end result is going to be. Maybe in my heart of hearts, I do know. I don't want to face that right now. I am going to spend what time I can with him while he is still here. I asked for us to stay as at least friends. He said that would be hard. I don't want for him to go and I never see or talk to him again. It is just too devistating. My heart is with him, I don't want it back. I want him to keep my heart and to keep loving me.

.....Why.....

I keep asking, why did I meet him for him to be taken away from me? I have enjoyed being with him and love him with all my heart. I don't understand why he has to be ripped out of my life. I ask God but I haven't gotten an answer. Maybe I will never have an answer. He is so good to me. He is a good man. He is what I have been wanting in my life. So again I ask.... Why?

.....Distance.....

A long distance relationship is hard. It must be based on trust or it will drive you crazy. I never had one before and had trouble dealing with it in the past. The distance will be greater between us now in a few weeks but I still long to be his "baby". I am willing to trust, have faith and love him while he is gone. I haven't gotten an answer for what it is he wants to do yet. I know this is hard on him as well. I know that he was hoping he would be coming back home.

....Love.....

That's what I have for him and my heart will be his weither he stays or gos.

Love

What can I say about "love"? Not really that much. We all know when we feel it but dont always know what about the person triggers it. I am in love with a man that I would have never thought would feel that way for me. He does and it is amazing when we are together. It's hard to be without him and for him to be far away. I want time to do what other couples get to do. Movies, dinner, and just plain old sitting around. We dont have time for that most of the time. We have done some of it but it's not often.

His job is nearing an end and I am worried where the next job will be. I am not sure how I will handle it if he goes further away then where he is now. It's 2 hours between us now and that is hard. There is a possibility of 6 hours away, close to home 45 minutes, or to stay 2 hours away. He doesn't get to make the choice, they decide for him. I am impatiently waiting to hear what the result will be and when it will be taking place. I pray for close and keep hope its not the furtherest away. I love him and the distance will not change that fact. It will however make it hard and frustrating. I dont know what he will say if they send him far away, will he still want to be with me or just have the space.

I hope that he loves me as much as I love him and hope that he doesnt go far away.

Really

I sit here and am more confused by relationships now than I was when I was a teenager. People's words and actions dont match. They say one thing and do something that makes you feeling the total opposite. I dont only mean relationships between men and women. I mean friendships as well. I am 35 and just dont know what to believe. I dont know who to trust and whom to believe. I sit here wishing I had some type of magic mirror that would allow me to see what and whom to believe and who not.

I am alone and really dont like it. I am not the person who can be ok with not taking care of others. I fell for someone really hard and it hasnt been easy since. I wish I could get back to the first days that we went out. It was fun, exciting, and we saw each other. Now it's filled with jobs, kids and obstacles. I love my kids and so does he. They are a blessing and what we both live for. The jobs..wow... where do I even begin. It is so hard to be here while he is there. It's a possibility that he could be sent further away then he is now or stay where he is. It would be nice if he could come back closer to home, just for a little while. I want our relationship to have the time and attention it needs to grow.

I guess love is not easy, it is hard and you have to fight every minute. I have been fighting and I will continue to do so as long as I am not the only one fighting for it to work. I love him and I believe him when he tells me that he loves me. Its life that makes this a roller-coaster ride. I am hanging on screaming. I hope that in the end this pays off. I hope that I get the result that I am wishing for, a life with him and to love him.

oh well, it is what it is, right? Fingers crossed!!!!

Lonely

It is amazing that you can be surrounded by a million people in a day and still be lonely. I'm no longer amazed by that because I live it everyday. I am looking for what my life is going to become, I know what I want. I know how I want it to all play out but my timeframe is not going to be abided by that I am sure of.

I am in love with a wonderful man whom I miss so much it hurts. He's working out of town, but I knew this when I met him. Did I really expect this to change because of me? I didn't count on falling in love with him so quickly. I dont want to imagine being without him. I am willing to forge through this to be with him. Everyone around me thinks I'm crazy. I am a little bit.

Well there isn't much to say really: I love him, he loves me and we see where it goes.

To the One I hurt

I hurt someone that I loved. I betrayed their trust and I am so sorry. I allowed outside sources and negativity to make me suspicious when they did not deserve it. I can only say that as things happen to us in life, we become suspicious and cynical. It shouldn't be that way. Especially me! I had so much torture in my life. I have been hurt by the people whom told me they loved me most.

I have become cynical, suspicious and distrusting. I vow at this point in my life, I'm giving this up. I may have destroyed the one thing that I wanted most in my life. The love I always wanted by being just plain suspicious, without cause.

If my love decides to go, I will know it was because I couldn't let go of the past. I am going to see my Doctor and I will find away to get over all this. I do not want to hurt anyone the way I have been hurt. I apologize, deeply, and from the bottom of my heart, my love.

If you read this my love, please find a way to give me another chance. I will earn your trust back, I promise you this. And know that I now understand how badly I hurt you and I want to make it right. Please try to see that my intentions were not to hurt you or anyone else. Especially not the ones that you love, not them and not you.

So here is a warning to the rest of you = Let it go or it will tear you down.

Another Week goes by

It's been over 3 months since we have started dating. It has been tough at times, since we don't see each other as much as we want. The texts and phone calls are nice though. To hear his voice, and those words "I love you baby". It sends me into a tailspin and makes me smile. I know even though his away from me, his heart is here with me and mine is there with him. We haven't seen each other this week, and it has been hard. I miss his smile, his touch, his laugh and that wonderful way he looks at me. I have his picture beside my bed. I tell him good night every night and good morning every morning. He is on my mind, no matter what it is that I am doing.

I have the kids again. This is my weekend, had them last weekend for a night and day. It's always good to spend time with my babies. We went to a movie with my cousin and her kids. The movie "eclipse", it was good but left me wanting to see him and feel his touch. It made me miss him and every touch between the lovers made me yearn to hold him. I know how "bella" feels cause I'm right there with her. It's a long holiday weekend and it will be a lot of swimming and hanging out with my cousin. I am so exhausted that I look forward to sinking into that bed and dreaming of my man.

I will dream of him as I always do. He is there to hold me when I close my eyes, if only in my dreams for now. He told me he always dreams of me and that I am so beautiful. It makes my heart beat fast and a smile appear from nowhere. I believe him. It's not a line with him. I am so lucky to have found that one person, my soulmate.

Father's Day

On this day I can say I don't have a father. I have a subject that allowed his sperm to be a part of making me. It's horrible that I have to feel that way but he caused it to be. We'll leave that alone because that is pandora's box.

What I can't believe is that I offered up for him (ex) to have the kids today and he said I'll pick them up at 5. "there's nothing special going on" Does that tell you what he feels his role as a father is. It sure says something to me. If I didn't have the kids on Mother's Day, I would've asked to have them and fought for it. Oh well, you can't make a person be who they should be. I as a good mother, took the kids out and let them buy their father a present and card. I had Hailey send him a text message. I did not even get acknowledgement from him on mother's day. I refuse to make this a pissing contest. The kids are not old enough yet to do this on their own and I am going to show them even if we dont love each other anymore, you can be civil and do what is best for them.

I believe you lead by example. I have done this. I have stepped aside to make things easier on them but he has decided to be nasty. I will no longer step aside and I plan to do what I want with the rest of my life. I have plans, that will make us all happy, well the us that matters anyways.

This year is going to be the tell all, I have a feeling. Unfortunately, I think it will tell all to the children as well and it's going to hurt them. I will be there to pick up the pieces, I always have been. I had hoped since he wanted them to stay that he was going to be the father he needed to be. I had hoped this had opened his eyes to what is important but I dont believe that to be the case. I am sorry I made the decision I did and I pay for it everyday. The decision I am referring to is my kids staying with him instead of living with me. I know Hailey needs me but so does Jacob.

A mother can provide things that a father just can't. It's the nature of nature.

The weekend

This weekend has been a good one. We spent quality time with the kids and my cousin's family. We watched movies, kids played, and we had time to catch up. We went to visit with them again today, played in the pool, watched movies, and the kids ran a muck. :-) It's nice for my kids to get to know their 2nd cousins and play with them like April and I use to. I saw her brother Bubba last night. It has been forever. I saw her mom and dad as well. It's so nice that we are getting back to being close again. Growing up we were so close, more like sisters not cousins.

On another note, I miss my baby (A). He got to be with his kids this weekend. I'm glad, he doesn't get to see them as often as I know he would like to. I got to see a picture of them today. It was so sweet, they are beautiful little girls. I sent him pictures of my kids too. I think he's finally getting comfortable with the fact that I am not going anywhere. I do love him and want to be with him long term.

I am so exhausted, cutting it short. I will be back tomorrow. :-)

It Hurts

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt? You can't see them and you feel pain. You can't hold them, kiss them, or hear their voice and you feel physically Ill. I have and I do. It's so hard to have a relationship with someone you can't see whenever you want. It's hard to want to feel their touch, their kiss and hear their voice. You do anything you can to feel close to them. A song, a piece of clothing, a picture beside your bed. It only seems to remind you that you have no idea the next time you will be near them. Are they oblivious to all of these feelings you have? Do they know, you tear up when you hear a song that reminds you of them? A scent of their soap can make you stand still.

You hear footsteps and think is it, you know its not. A voice can make you turn your head. Every day seems to drag on and feels like an eternity. You fell for them and you didn't have a choice. It seemed to be destiny. It was fate putting you together and life pulling you apart. Your body aches for the touch you so much want to feel and you lie awake even though you are exhausted. You close your eyes and see their face, hear their voice, feel their touch...you wake with a jump hoping that it wasn't a dream. You look around, realize it was, and try try try to sleep again.

You watch others with their families, loves and it hurts to see them together. You don't want to feel this way but it creeps up on you. You wait for the call or text message, it lets you know they are thinking of you. You wonder do they feel the way I do or am I just too damn emotional. You wonder things that shouldn't even cross your mind. Who are they with? You know they love you. You know they've told you, its only you. Idle time does things to a person, makes them doubt what they are so sure of when they are with the one they love. You think what are they doing? Do they wonder these things about me? You worry because you are not there for them.

Will someone else come along and steal away their heart, while you are so far away? Will they look at someone else because they want the lonely to go away? You know that you have to trust them. They haven't done one thing to make you feel this way, think this way or doubt what they say. You worry about everything. Then comes the time when you are with them and you think "I am so dumb. It is so obvious they love me. They missed me. Why do I torture myself?" You never really know why you do this to yourself. It could be because others have failed you. Old loves, family, friends or just life it's self.

You wish for sleep to come, take away your blues, dry your tears and make it all okay. You wish for the sun to shine in the morning, and all these thoughts to float away with the moon. Do they? Maybe, you have to keep on, life will leave you behind, it stands still for no one and no one's pain. You hope that tomorrow you have the strength to not allow these bad, crazy, sad thoughts into your mind. You wait for that little sign that they have the same disease, Love. It makes you happy and sad all at the same time. It can make you king/queen of the world or devistate you into oblivion.

I guess that's why there are so many books, counselors, and friends for you to lean on. You feel like a burden to your friends, they can't possibly want to hear this 1,000 times, you start a blog. WOW, maybe I'm a writer at heart. If I could piece this all together I could publish it and maybe make a few bucks, having complete strangers in tears. Off to dreamland, well I hope so.

Weekends

The weekends are hard. When I have the kids, it's so busy. No downtime, run here and run there. I have to wait until they are down for the night to watch tv.

When I don't have them, I try to find something to fill the time. I usually spend my time cleaning, washing dishes and clothes, and watching some tv or movies. My wonderful boyfriend works weekends. I understand it, it's his job - construction. I miss him something awful when I don't get to see him.

I spend time with my friend Carrie and her family as well. It's hard to watch them as a family now. I don't want to be with my EX. Trust me not even a tiny bit. I want a family unit again though. It is what I've always wanted. I think that's why I stayed for so long. I hoped I would have feelings for my EX one day but that never happened. I woke up at 34 years old and thought "how the hell did I get here".

I know what I want now but I dare not put it out here for anyone. I will keep it tucked away in my inner most thoughts. I have a dream and I am working towards that dream. I will eventually get there. I have a vision of how I want my life to be and who I want to be there with me. I hope that the feelings are mutual there as well. I think they are. It's hard to say what life will bring though.

I look at him and all I see is how much I am in love with him. I'm amazed that I could feel this much for anyone, especially after the last 17 1/2 years of the marriage that should've never been. I guess if my EX saw this it would hurt his feelings. I don't want that to happen.

I really never want to hurt anyone. I am normally very brash with people. He (A) has seen the side of me, that I dare not share with anyone. The soft, caring, loving and emotional side of me. The smile when he walks in a room. The laughter I didn't let into my life until him. He makes me happy, really really happy.

I do love him with all my heart. For anyone who says I'm just clinging to him because I'm hurt---to hell with you.

time marches on

You know I sit here and I miss him. The time seems to go on as though nothing is on my mind. I have the kids this weekend and I enjoy my time with them. I have a refrigerator full of coloring pages now, Hailey is an artist. I rented a few movies from the redbox. We watched "princess and the frog" and "alice in wonderland". I still have another movie to watch "love happens". It's a love story and I know it will make me cry.

He expressed that he thinks I will get tired of his working alot and find someone else. I assured him that their was no one else for me. I knew that day March 15th, that I had found my soulmate after all these years of wasting my time on a marriage that never should have been. He walked in and my heart jumped out of my body and attached its self to him. That first kiss was so intoxicating I couldn't have resisted him if I had wanted to. I didn't want to resist his embrace, I became so wrapped up in him it was like a movie.

So many things point to we should be together. I use to have this dream. A man with no face would come to my rescue. I could never see whom he was. I could feel his love and the warmth and comfort that he brought to me. He would wrap his arms around me and I would feel it would be ok. I don't have that dream anymore. It's funny every since I met him (A). It's because all the things that no faced stranger gave me in my dreams is now coming from a real live man whom I love with my whole heart.

I fell fast and hard. It scared the living crap out of me. I still have moments of sheer terror. I pray that he stays with me and doesnt find anyone else. I guess we both of the same issues. We both have had people in our lives who have made it difficult to not worry about the other wanting someone else. I'm giving that fear up. I will not allow it to sneak into my head anymore. I'm living with my heart, loving him with all I have. It's the only way that I can know I have given all of me. I want him to have all of me. I want him to know I'm never going anywhere. That he has given me what I have looked for all of my life. That he is the guy that I wanted, he is the guy, that was in my dreams as a little girl.

I always wanted a very caring, compassionate and loving relationship. I never had it. I never felt completely comfortable with anyone. I do with him. I miss him more than I could imagine missing another human being. It's been a few months, really not that long in the scheme of things but I feel like he's been in my heart forever.

Again, time is marching on and on. I know as our relationship continues on, we will both be assured that our love is that of forever.

Anyone who knows me, and reads this will think I'm crazy and vulnerable because of the break-up. Rest assure you all who know me, this is my heart talking and it has nothing to do with the other situations in my life. I was lucky enough to find that person who is speaking directly to my heart and making all this life worth wanting and living for.

WOW

Here I am, thinking of him. He is just so sweet. Today was his birthday, told him happy birthday first thing this morning. He had been looking for truck, got one today. Oh I bet he is all smiles. Of course, I said that to him and he says a lil. I told him he should smile, I love his sexy smile. His response, "your not here". Well unfortunately that is true. My heart is there however.

He should be happy. He wants to make everyone else happy. I love to hear his voice, oh how sexy it is. He has his bedroom voice on when he talks to me. I smile every time I hear my text message sound goes off. I anticipate it is him everytime. Well when it's not, I loose that smile. He sends me a love you message and I melt. He just doesn't understand how much his sweet sweet loving personality makes me happy.

I wondered when we first met, when is this going to end. But you know what, it is not going to end, this is him. I am truly in love with him for so so so so so many reasons. Some I will not be putting in writing, LOL. I will not ever put his name on here either.

Let me tell you his smile. Oh boy! Yes I am this into him. I tell him too. I have become another person with him. I am a person who wants to share, care, love and follow her heart now. I am for the most part a happy person. I do have some drama to put up with....when you have an EX, you have drama.

I honestly wish I could spend every day with him but it's not fesiable. He works construction. That means he works hard and long hours. He is worth waiting for, everything I ever wanted. I never thought I would find a man like him. I had heard rumors they were out there. I had never seen them. LOL He thinks he hasn't done anything special. He doesn't realize that him being who he is, is all I need.

All I need is his heart, sweet kiss, and loving arms. When he holds me, I feel loved and safe. I can't wait until the next time I see him. We made the two weeks, oh it was hard. I'm not going to tell you that I just didn't want to run down to see him because oh yes I did. I never thought I was a hard person to figure out and he proves to me if they are the right person; there is nothing to figure out.

I am so loving with him. It's really not me. Or I didn't think that was me. I guess the right person, the right time and the right love, is all I needed to be the person I wanted to be. He makes me want to be a better person. His love makes me soft. I know for those of you who know me it seems weird. I really like the person I am since I met him. I seem to be stronger, nicer, more passionate, more loving and just all around happier.

I have asked myself many many times; is it him or is it me? Well I think it's pretty much the combination of the two of us. His sweetness seems to penetrate my mind, body and soul. I seem to have that sweetness for a few days after I have seen him.

Well my next thought, will he be moving back this way after this job is over? I don't know. I haven't asked. I think he might not know either. It's still a few months away but I just wander. I often wander if meeting me makes it harder on him in regards to his work schedule. Was he content before? Did he long for someone to love and hold? I know I was blindsided. I really thought I would still be running around, talking about the bad dates I had. I'm so glad that I am not.

As I've always been told, you get what you need, when you need it. I did. <3 you.

I can't believe it.

It's only been a few months, hard to believe, since I met A. We spent 2 weeks where we didn't get to see each other because of his work schedule. I could tell on the friday, we finally saw each other that he had missed me as much as I had missed him.

He is so sweet and caring. I'm not sure why I couldn't have met him first. Oh well I guess fate is not always nice to us.

Thoughts running away with me

I made this in the sand one day when I was at the beach. I was walking the beach, while he was at work, waiting to see him that afternoon. It was a nice day. I wish for more days like this one. Where we are able to see each other and spend time together. We went to the movies and out to dinner that night. It was nice to have a "date". We usually don't have enough time together to go out. When he comes here, we usually spend the night in. Call out for food and just hold each other, which trust me I enjoy as well.

I didn't hear from him much yesterday. He was working. I was here with the kids. Again he sent me a message when I needed to hear from him the most. How does he do it? How does he know? I will say he is my soulmate, otherwise how could he know. It's only been a little over two months and he seems to know me so well. When we are together, there is no one else in the world. All I want is his arms around me. Wow, the memories are vivid and clear. I need them now since we won't see each other for awhile. I really hope that it's only a week. It's gonna be a hard week, I can tell you that. Not being able to hold him, kiss him - my heart will ache for him.

just because

Have you ever had a person in your life, that seems to know when you need them. They send you a message or call you when you are down even though you haven't told them anything. I use to think it was coinceidence but now I think he can sense my mood. It seems like I've lost my mind to say that but it has happened too many times to just be an accident.

I have had a bad day today. It's that time of the month again, so I'm sure some of the blues are hormonal. The other part is he (A) told me I probably wouldn't see him at all next week. I only saw him on monday of this week. I miss him like crazy when I don't get to see him. I'm head over heels in love with a man who works a majority of the time. I'm glad he has a good work ethic and that he is an upstanding person. On the other hand I have purely selfish thoughts of wanting to see him 10 x more than I do.

He is worth waiting for, a wonderful man. He tells me he misses me and loves me all the time. When he told me he wouldn't see me he sounded as broken hearted about it as I was. I said that sucks. What else could I say. I told him he didn't know what a day off was, kinda jokingly, because friday was my day off. He's on my mind constantly. I can't focus on work, friends or house work for that matter.

I have bills, so many. I have to get a loan and I can't even get the internet to co-operate to download the stinking forms. Things are rough right now. I'm emotional, needy and lonely. I know I should be focusing on who I am since I ended my marriage. I am so use to taking care of everyone, that I don't know what to do when everyone is gone. I think a lot of women go through this when they have to send their kids off to their father's for the weekend. The difference for me is they live with him right now. I made that decision for two reasons - 1. so that my son would be able to stay in his class and school - less disruption. 2. so that he wouldn't fight me- since he got what he asked for. Well all he is doing using the kids against me.

Field Trip 3rd Grade

I am on the way to Monticello for a field trip. I expect it will be a fun but exhausting trip. It's an all day trip.

It has been a long time since I have been there. As adults we don't have time to visit the places we were made to go as a child.

I will update about the trip on the bus ride home.

Kids/ My thoughts

I had the kids yesterday. It's always nice to spend time with them. I can see the behaviorial problems and they are getting worse. I need to make an appointment with a counselor for them but it has been so hectic I haven't gotten that done at this point.

I got to see A as well, for a few hours at least. He is such a hard worker. Our time together is precious and I enjoy every moment. I will be glad once his job at least slows down, so that he can get some rest. He didnt come down monday because he was just so beat. He had to be in town yesterday to work anyways, so he came by afterwards.

I wish I had met him first. He is just such a caring, sweet and compassionate person. He can read me and knows when to just hold me. I always heard the complaint before (ex), "I dont know what you want". I know why he (ex) didnt know because he didnt want to know. My ex wasn't listening or paying attention. He just decided it wasn't worth his effort to care about anyone but himself. Oh yeah and I was the one who was selfish, for wanting a little time to myself.

I think in a relationship, we all need some time to ourselves. I have time to myself now but I don't really want it. I would love to be able to see A every afternoon but that is not how it is. He is worth waiting on. I don't want to imagine my life without him. He doesn't talk like he is going anywhere either. I told him that I could file for divorce in February 2011, I actually have the date marked on my calendar. He was like "whoo hoo", throw a party. Of course he said I would forget about him once that happened. I told him "no way". He is what my heart has been looking for all these years.

My heart skips a beat when he calls, texts, or is close by. I get so excited when I hear from him. He calls just to say he misses me. It is so nice to have someone attentive. He said he has me figured out, you know what he does. If I am in a bad mood, having a bad day, or he senses I'm pulling away or isolating myself, he will reach over to me and pull me right into his arms. This is what I need. He asks me what I am thinking, feeling, and what I want. When I am in his arms I feel safe, loved and protected. I am comfortable around him and have been since day one.

The way he looks at me, if you have a man who can melt you with a look, you are lucky. When his eyes are on me, I feel his love, passion and caring for me. All he has to do is look at me and I smile. He told me when I was driving down to see him last week, "You have a big smirk on your face don't you, I know you". I did, couldn't help myself. I was so glad I was going to see him. I really wish there was a way to truly describe how he makes me feel but I can't seem to put it in words. Sometimes I just say "mmmmm". I sigh or just smile for no reason at all.

He sure has me, doesn't he. I like it this way. I look forward to every communication with him. Maybe as others say it's good he is a little distance away, don't want to over do it. Right now we get to cherish the time and hold each other, knowing it won't be very long and it will be a wait until we see each other again. I don't ever want to let him go, of course I have to. Sometimes at night, I close my eyes and picture him with his arms around me. It helps me to sleep.

He's a big guy and for him to be so sweet, it just amazes me. I'm glad no one else has figured out how wonderful he is. I know he's dated other girls prior to me but I know it hasn't been serious. He has told me that it wasn't serious. I think that our feelings for each other, took us both by surprise. He has told me that he is not scared of his feelings for me. That there is no reason to be. He is a good man and I love him. I know it's been a short period of time but I do. He told me he loves me too and I can look in his eyes when he tells me and know that he means it.

It's hard at times but it's because of the other crap I've been through. I finally found someone who is just honestly a good person. In our relationship, I am not the one always texting and just hoping he responds. He will text me first sometimes too. He gets a little impatient sometimes if I don't answer. It's cute actually cause I know he just is anxious to talk to me. He makes the effort to see me as often as he can. I have gone to see him some. He usually comes up to see me. I have a little more privacy. He shares an apartment.

We will have to see where this goes. I am working towards a wonderful, fulfilling, loving, long relationship with A.

Back Home

Our trip to VA Beach is over. It was nice and tiring all at the same time. I got sunburn as I said before, so did Hailey a little. The kids had fun and really it was about them. As I watched the other families together, I thought about how lonely I was at that moment. I do have a great guy, A, that I am seeing. We are not together on the weekends normally. He works so much. I thought about what I want and you know I realize I want a family back. Now don't get me wrong I don't want my ex back. I'm through will that scene. I do want to have a family once again someday. That is what I will work toward.

I have great friends and it helps to have them in my life but I am a family person at heart. It sucks that I have to start over but it is for the best. We had a horrible marriage for so many years and I was so unhappy that I couldn't enjoy my kids. I am going to make it a point to enjoy my kids and to find what my heart so desires. I want to say that I think I have found it but it's just too early to know. A says he loves me and trust me I love him too. But only being 2 months in... I'm not sure where the relationship will go.

It's hard having him so far away, 2 hours. Not seeing him breaks my heart. I hate to leave him when we are together. At this point we have so little time together that I cherish the time that we do have. It's hard to trust when you have been through all that I have been through in life. If I want this relationship to work, I do have to trust him or I will break this down. I feel like an outsider sometimes though cause it is new. I have to stop trying to read into things and just enjoy our relationship as it is now. If you are a woman, you know how hard that is. We always are looking to see what is coming next. It's going to take some work on my part but I will try my hardest to enjoy what we have and to stop looking to see what's coming next.

We need to live in the moment because life is too short but we are human and tend not to do that. It's mother's day and I have the kids with me which is great. A and all my friends told me "Happy Mother's Day". I still long to see A though. It has been since Wednesday and I miss him so much. When we were together it was so nice. We went to dinner at a small seafood restaurant, which had great bacon wrapped scallops. It wasn't really busy so it was nice, quiet and we were able to talk to each other. I went to see him after work so I got there about 730 or 800 pm. After dinner we drove by his work, he had to check and make sure everything was locked up. It was nice to see where he worked, just because I can now visualize it when he talks about work. I also got to see the apartment where he lives. So after dinner we watched some tv and then went to bed. I had to get up early to go to work and so did he.

He did tell me when he was here visiting me on Monday that he was going to try to take a day off on the weekend to spend with me. It would be nice to have a whole day with him. I will be waiting to hear if he is able to do that or not. I know he has to work to support himself and his girls. While I was with my kids this weekend, he got to see his girls. I'm glad he did, I know he misses them.

Well on to me. This is suppose to be about me, right? lol As mothers we all know its never about us. I long for things to settle down and to get a routine. For my life to have some sort of normallcy. I'm not sure what is normal. I guess its different for everyone. I want to feel like I've gotten my life under control and I don't really feel that way right now.

I am trying to get bills paid off and I think once I'm able to do that, I will feel a lot less stressed and be able to enjoy my life. I don't want to have to worry about every little dime that I have. I want to be able to do somethings. I have been taking trips to see A, a few times and really I could've used that money for something else. I feel that if all I do is pay bills and work, that I am not having any sort of life and then I will disappear like so many of us do.

The poker league I joined is no longer. It was going down-hill quickly, we could all see it coming. It's depressing though cause it was something that I looked forward to doing and kept me busy, when there was nothing else. I enjoy playing poker, its challenging and fun. I enjoyed meeting the people and building some type of bonds with people from all walks of life. For now we have wednesday nights but I know that will stop as soon as Chris moves to Norfolk.

I sit in this apartment sometimes and feel so alone. I know that I will have to spend some time alone but being that I never had to do it before it is very hard. I have deal with lots of things that I never had to before. I went from my parents house to marrying my ex. I was 17 and didn't think I had any other options in life. I have made something of myself. I am a mother, have a good job and am a good person. A lot of people don't see the good in me because I push them away by being abrupt, rude and stand-offish.

It's funny though cause I never was that way with A. He made me so comfortable from the first day we met. I feel safe, secure, and loved in his arms. I guess that's why I yearn for him so much. He knows what do to without me having to tell him. He'll just tell me he loves me for no reason, hugs me, holds my hand and those little things mean so much more to me than anything that can be bought. I will be working towards not screwing this up. He's on my mind more than I ever thought anyone would be. I can close my eyes and see his face and I just smile. The way he looks at me it's as if no other person exsists but him and I.

Well I guess I need to close this out for now. I have to get things together, the kids leave in a few hours. They love scooby-doo, and its a marathon. :-)

Va Beach Weekend with the Kids

It has been a nice beach trip with the kids. It has been tiring at the same time. Being this is my first trip alone with the kids it has been a learning experience. Sitting on the beach watching them play, thinking the grow up so fast. I see them as babies but they are growing up right before my eyes.

On another note, A is on my mind. I really thought I would be lonely forever. That no man would be interested in a 34 year old mother of two, who has extra pounds. But I found A and he thinks I'm beautiful, sexy, and what he wants, not fat at all.

I'm glad I found A. I really love him and miss him.

Beach Time

We spent 4 hours on the beach today. It was a nice day. I did get sunburn on my back, getting your 5 and 9 year old to help you, didn't help. :)

They had a blast on the beach. It was a nice sunny day with just a little wind. They played in the water and in the sand. They made a few friends to play with that day as well.

Trip to the Beach

Today we are leaving to go to Virginia Beach for the weekend. It will be the two kids and I. They are very excited to go. We all love the beach. This going to be a mini-vacation for us. I hope the trip goes well, with very little sibling rivalry. My daughter turned 5 in March and my son just turned 9 this month.

I have plenty of things to get together for the trip, so I'm cutting this short. I will post about our trip later today.

Background

Well let's start off with a little background about me. My name is Carolyn. I'm 34 almost 35. I grew up in King William County, very country. It wasn't an easy childhood but I made it through it. I was sexually, mentally and physically abused by my father. Once my mother found out she sided with him. No you are not alone if this has happened to you. I got married at 17 years old to my husband of 17 1/2 years that I am currently separated from. No I'm not sad about it. It was a long time coming. A lot of things went wrong in my marriage and I could sit here all day and play the blame game. I'm not going to do that. I am starting this blog to document my life and to let other's know they are not alone.

This separation has been a good thing for me. I am finding out who I am. What I want out of life and depending on myself for all the answers. No I haven't sat around in idle waiting for the "right" amount of time to start dating again. What is the right amount of time? Who knows. I dated 2 guys that I previously knew from poker, my hobby. No It didn't work. They were not the ones for me. I signed up for dating websites. I went on one date with a guy from a site and he took me to a pool hall. Yes I said it a Pool Hall. He wasn't the one for me either. It wasn't the right forum to get to know someone. He was a nice enough guy but there wasn't any chemistry, at least not for me. We did talk and I liked his personality before we went out. I realized that it wasn't what I wanted during the date. I guess he knew it too because we no longer talk. I haven't heard from him since the date. I hope that he has found a nice girl for himself.

I was on a social networking website "mocospace.com". I enjoyed the site. I was friends with a few people. It's similar to facebook but it has chat. Now the story I'm about to start telling is of my current boyfriend. We will call him A. He asked to be my friend on the site and I sent him a message back asking why he didnt have photos on his profile. Well to make the long of it short, he had the pictures hidden. I did accept him as a friend and we talked. I got to where I looked forward to his messages on the site. He would send me a message every morning "good morning beautiful". As a woman we know how this feels. I was in heaven. I did give him my cell number but it was I guess a week before he actually text me to my phone. When he did I asked who it was and he said I'll give you one guess. Well I have to say I knew who it was but had forgot his actual name since I was use to seeing his screenname. He was disappointed and I explained what I mentioned. We talked on text for a few days. He then asked me to meet him, now it had been a few weeks of talking, getting to know each other prior to us texting.

I agreed to meet him. I am so glad I did. No women please do not take this as everyone on the internet is who or what they say they are because I'm sure some are not. I say be very careful. I allowed him to come to my apartment to meet me. Well I will say eventhough he was on the up and up, don't do this. I was so excited to see him in person. He came to my door I let him in and he hugged me and kissed me. I'm not saying kiss strangers either. We had talked about it and I told him prior to, if he felt like kissing me he could. I was already attracted to his wonderful personality and he was cute (saw his pictures remember). It was the most wonderful kiss, I was floating on air. Well the night went well, we talked and got to know each other more. He then asked to come back and see me again the next night, I agreed. He lives two hours from me so just for him to make the effort, I thought was great. We actually saw each other 4 times that first week.

We have chemistry, oh boy do we. He makes me laugh, smile and feel wonderful. He is a tall guy over 6 foot and big guy over 200 pounds. He is irish, red hair and tattoos. I am a tattoo girl. I love them and think if done well can be very sexy. I have one tattoo myself. Which by the way was a complete surprise to him. Our realtionship so far has been fast and furious. We really care about each other, well I love him. It has only been two months but its like a fairytale. For those of you reading this thinking.... she is just vulnerable and wants to be loved. You know you are partially right....we all want to be loved. I'm not vulnerable, trust me on this fact. My marriage was over for 2 years prior to us actually splitting up and we didnt even sleep in the same bed for 8 months or so before I moved out.

Ok now A, the boyfriend, thinks that he is not good-looking. Trust me I find him irrestible. He is sweet, passionate, funny, and does all the right things. I know I keep using that word "right". What does it mean? Well in this instance it means, opening doors, being nice and doing the small things. The way he looks at me, oh my, I melt. He has the softest touch in the whole world. He holds my hand, calls me baby, texts me morning, noon, and night. We laugh together and I enjoy his company so much. I am so glad that I took that chance and met him. It was definitely worth it for me.

All the time I spend with him is magical. It's not all the time, because he lives 2 hours away and I have two kids that I spend 50% of my time with. He has kids too, so he understands being a parent, which is great. He has been married before and understands the EX problems too.

This is all that I am writing for now. I will keep you posted on this whole situation. I hope to have a long fulfilling life, with my kids and my wonderful boyfriend A.