Thoughts running away with me

I made this in the sand one day when I was at the beach. I was walking the beach, while he was at work, waiting to see him that afternoon. It was a nice day. I wish for more days like this one. Where we are able to see each other and spend time together. We went to the movies and out to dinner that night. It was nice to have a "date". We usually don't have enough time together to go out. When he comes here, we usually spend the night in. Call out for food and just hold each other, which trust me I enjoy as well.

I didn't hear from him much yesterday. He was working. I was here with the kids. Again he sent me a message when I needed to hear from him the most. How does he do it? How does he know? I will say he is my soulmate, otherwise how could he know. It's only been a little over two months and he seems to know me so well. When we are together, there is no one else in the world. All I want is his arms around me. Wow, the memories are vivid and clear. I need them now since we won't see each other for awhile. I really hope that it's only a week. It's gonna be a hard week, I can tell you that. Not being able to hold him, kiss him - my heart will ache for him.

just because

Have you ever had a person in your life, that seems to know when you need them. They send you a message or call you when you are down even though you haven't told them anything. I use to think it was coinceidence but now I think he can sense my mood. It seems like I've lost my mind to say that but it has happened too many times to just be an accident.

I have had a bad day today. It's that time of the month again, so I'm sure some of the blues are hormonal. The other part is he (A) told me I probably wouldn't see him at all next week. I only saw him on monday of this week. I miss him like crazy when I don't get to see him. I'm head over heels in love with a man who works a majority of the time. I'm glad he has a good work ethic and that he is an upstanding person. On the other hand I have purely selfish thoughts of wanting to see him 10 x more than I do.

He is worth waiting for, a wonderful man. He tells me he misses me and loves me all the time. When he told me he wouldn't see me he sounded as broken hearted about it as I was. I said that sucks. What else could I say. I told him he didn't know what a day off was, kinda jokingly, because friday was my day off. He's on my mind constantly. I can't focus on work, friends or house work for that matter.

I have bills, so many. I have to get a loan and I can't even get the internet to co-operate to download the stinking forms. Things are rough right now. I'm emotional, needy and lonely. I know I should be focusing on who I am since I ended my marriage. I am so use to taking care of everyone, that I don't know what to do when everyone is gone. I think a lot of women go through this when they have to send their kids off to their father's for the weekend. The difference for me is they live with him right now. I made that decision for two reasons - 1. so that my son would be able to stay in his class and school - less disruption. 2. so that he wouldn't fight me- since he got what he asked for. Well all he is doing using the kids against me.

Field Trip 3rd Grade

I am on the way to Monticello for a field trip. I expect it will be a fun but exhausting trip. It's an all day trip.

It has been a long time since I have been there. As adults we don't have time to visit the places we were made to go as a child.

I will update about the trip on the bus ride home.

Kids/ My thoughts

I had the kids yesterday. It's always nice to spend time with them. I can see the behaviorial problems and they are getting worse. I need to make an appointment with a counselor for them but it has been so hectic I haven't gotten that done at this point.

I got to see A as well, for a few hours at least. He is such a hard worker. Our time together is precious and I enjoy every moment. I will be glad once his job at least slows down, so that he can get some rest. He didnt come down monday because he was just so beat. He had to be in town yesterday to work anyways, so he came by afterwards.

I wish I had met him first. He is just such a caring, sweet and compassionate person. He can read me and knows when to just hold me. I always heard the complaint before (ex), "I dont know what you want". I know why he (ex) didnt know because he didnt want to know. My ex wasn't listening or paying attention. He just decided it wasn't worth his effort to care about anyone but himself. Oh yeah and I was the one who was selfish, for wanting a little time to myself.

I think in a relationship, we all need some time to ourselves. I have time to myself now but I don't really want it. I would love to be able to see A every afternoon but that is not how it is. He is worth waiting on. I don't want to imagine my life without him. He doesn't talk like he is going anywhere either. I told him that I could file for divorce in February 2011, I actually have the date marked on my calendar. He was like "whoo hoo", throw a party. Of course he said I would forget about him once that happened. I told him "no way". He is what my heart has been looking for all these years.

My heart skips a beat when he calls, texts, or is close by. I get so excited when I hear from him. He calls just to say he misses me. It is so nice to have someone attentive. He said he has me figured out, you know what he does. If I am in a bad mood, having a bad day, or he senses I'm pulling away or isolating myself, he will reach over to me and pull me right into his arms. This is what I need. He asks me what I am thinking, feeling, and what I want. When I am in his arms I feel safe, loved and protected. I am comfortable around him and have been since day one.

The way he looks at me, if you have a man who can melt you with a look, you are lucky. When his eyes are on me, I feel his love, passion and caring for me. All he has to do is look at me and I smile. He told me when I was driving down to see him last week, "You have a big smirk on your face don't you, I know you". I did, couldn't help myself. I was so glad I was going to see him. I really wish there was a way to truly describe how he makes me feel but I can't seem to put it in words. Sometimes I just say "mmmmm". I sigh or just smile for no reason at all.

He sure has me, doesn't he. I like it this way. I look forward to every communication with him. Maybe as others say it's good he is a little distance away, don't want to over do it. Right now we get to cherish the time and hold each other, knowing it won't be very long and it will be a wait until we see each other again. I don't ever want to let him go, of course I have to. Sometimes at night, I close my eyes and picture him with his arms around me. It helps me to sleep.

He's a big guy and for him to be so sweet, it just amazes me. I'm glad no one else has figured out how wonderful he is. I know he's dated other girls prior to me but I know it hasn't been serious. He has told me that it wasn't serious. I think that our feelings for each other, took us both by surprise. He has told me that he is not scared of his feelings for me. That there is no reason to be. He is a good man and I love him. I know it's been a short period of time but I do. He told me he loves me too and I can look in his eyes when he tells me and know that he means it.

It's hard at times but it's because of the other crap I've been through. I finally found someone who is just honestly a good person. In our relationship, I am not the one always texting and just hoping he responds. He will text me first sometimes too. He gets a little impatient sometimes if I don't answer. It's cute actually cause I know he just is anxious to talk to me. He makes the effort to see me as often as he can. I have gone to see him some. He usually comes up to see me. I have a little more privacy. He shares an apartment.

We will have to see where this goes. I am working towards a wonderful, fulfilling, loving, long relationship with A.

Back Home

Our trip to VA Beach is over. It was nice and tiring all at the same time. I got sunburn as I said before, so did Hailey a little. The kids had fun and really it was about them. As I watched the other families together, I thought about how lonely I was at that moment. I do have a great guy, A, that I am seeing. We are not together on the weekends normally. He works so much. I thought about what I want and you know I realize I want a family back. Now don't get me wrong I don't want my ex back. I'm through will that scene. I do want to have a family once again someday. That is what I will work toward.

I have great friends and it helps to have them in my life but I am a family person at heart. It sucks that I have to start over but it is for the best. We had a horrible marriage for so many years and I was so unhappy that I couldn't enjoy my kids. I am going to make it a point to enjoy my kids and to find what my heart so desires. I want to say that I think I have found it but it's just too early to know. A says he loves me and trust me I love him too. But only being 2 months in... I'm not sure where the relationship will go.

It's hard having him so far away, 2 hours. Not seeing him breaks my heart. I hate to leave him when we are together. At this point we have so little time together that I cherish the time that we do have. It's hard to trust when you have been through all that I have been through in life. If I want this relationship to work, I do have to trust him or I will break this down. I feel like an outsider sometimes though cause it is new. I have to stop trying to read into things and just enjoy our relationship as it is now. If you are a woman, you know how hard that is. We always are looking to see what is coming next. It's going to take some work on my part but I will try my hardest to enjoy what we have and to stop looking to see what's coming next.

We need to live in the moment because life is too short but we are human and tend not to do that. It's mother's day and I have the kids with me which is great. A and all my friends told me "Happy Mother's Day". I still long to see A though. It has been since Wednesday and I miss him so much. When we were together it was so nice. We went to dinner at a small seafood restaurant, which had great bacon wrapped scallops. It wasn't really busy so it was nice, quiet and we were able to talk to each other. I went to see him after work so I got there about 730 or 800 pm. After dinner we drove by his work, he had to check and make sure everything was locked up. It was nice to see where he worked, just because I can now visualize it when he talks about work. I also got to see the apartment where he lives. So after dinner we watched some tv and then went to bed. I had to get up early to go to work and so did he.

He did tell me when he was here visiting me on Monday that he was going to try to take a day off on the weekend to spend with me. It would be nice to have a whole day with him. I will be waiting to hear if he is able to do that or not. I know he has to work to support himself and his girls. While I was with my kids this weekend, he got to see his girls. I'm glad he did, I know he misses them.

Well on to me. This is suppose to be about me, right? lol As mothers we all know its never about us. I long for things to settle down and to get a routine. For my life to have some sort of normallcy. I'm not sure what is normal. I guess its different for everyone. I want to feel like I've gotten my life under control and I don't really feel that way right now.

I am trying to get bills paid off and I think once I'm able to do that, I will feel a lot less stressed and be able to enjoy my life. I don't want to have to worry about every little dime that I have. I want to be able to do somethings. I have been taking trips to see A, a few times and really I could've used that money for something else. I feel that if all I do is pay bills and work, that I am not having any sort of life and then I will disappear like so many of us do.

The poker league I joined is no longer. It was going down-hill quickly, we could all see it coming. It's depressing though cause it was something that I looked forward to doing and kept me busy, when there was nothing else. I enjoy playing poker, its challenging and fun. I enjoyed meeting the people and building some type of bonds with people from all walks of life. For now we have wednesday nights but I know that will stop as soon as Chris moves to Norfolk.

I sit in this apartment sometimes and feel so alone. I know that I will have to spend some time alone but being that I never had to do it before it is very hard. I have deal with lots of things that I never had to before. I went from my parents house to marrying my ex. I was 17 and didn't think I had any other options in life. I have made something of myself. I am a mother, have a good job and am a good person. A lot of people don't see the good in me because I push them away by being abrupt, rude and stand-offish.

It's funny though cause I never was that way with A. He made me so comfortable from the first day we met. I feel safe, secure, and loved in his arms. I guess that's why I yearn for him so much. He knows what do to without me having to tell him. He'll just tell me he loves me for no reason, hugs me, holds my hand and those little things mean so much more to me than anything that can be bought. I will be working towards not screwing this up. He's on my mind more than I ever thought anyone would be. I can close my eyes and see his face and I just smile. The way he looks at me it's as if no other person exsists but him and I.

Well I guess I need to close this out for now. I have to get things together, the kids leave in a few hours. They love scooby-doo, and its a marathon. :-)

Va Beach Weekend with the Kids

It has been a nice beach trip with the kids. It has been tiring at the same time. Being this is my first trip alone with the kids it has been a learning experience. Sitting on the beach watching them play, thinking the grow up so fast. I see them as babies but they are growing up right before my eyes.

On another note, A is on my mind. I really thought I would be lonely forever. That no man would be interested in a 34 year old mother of two, who has extra pounds. But I found A and he thinks I'm beautiful, sexy, and what he wants, not fat at all.

I'm glad I found A. I really love him and miss him.

Beach Time

We spent 4 hours on the beach today. It was a nice day. I did get sunburn on my back, getting your 5 and 9 year old to help you, didn't help. :)

They had a blast on the beach. It was a nice sunny day with just a little wind. They played in the water and in the sand. They made a few friends to play with that day as well.

Trip to the Beach

Today we are leaving to go to Virginia Beach for the weekend. It will be the two kids and I. They are very excited to go. We all love the beach. This going to be a mini-vacation for us. I hope the trip goes well, with very little sibling rivalry. My daughter turned 5 in March and my son just turned 9 this month.

I have plenty of things to get together for the trip, so I'm cutting this short. I will post about our trip later today.

Background

Well let's start off with a little background about me. My name is Carolyn. I'm 34 almost 35. I grew up in King William County, very country. It wasn't an easy childhood but I made it through it. I was sexually, mentally and physically abused by my father. Once my mother found out she sided with him. No you are not alone if this has happened to you. I got married at 17 years old to my husband of 17 1/2 years that I am currently separated from. No I'm not sad about it. It was a long time coming. A lot of things went wrong in my marriage and I could sit here all day and play the blame game. I'm not going to do that. I am starting this blog to document my life and to let other's know they are not alone.

This separation has been a good thing for me. I am finding out who I am. What I want out of life and depending on myself for all the answers. No I haven't sat around in idle waiting for the "right" amount of time to start dating again. What is the right amount of time? Who knows. I dated 2 guys that I previously knew from poker, my hobby. No It didn't work. They were not the ones for me. I signed up for dating websites. I went on one date with a guy from a site and he took me to a pool hall. Yes I said it a Pool Hall. He wasn't the one for me either. It wasn't the right forum to get to know someone. He was a nice enough guy but there wasn't any chemistry, at least not for me. We did talk and I liked his personality before we went out. I realized that it wasn't what I wanted during the date. I guess he knew it too because we no longer talk. I haven't heard from him since the date. I hope that he has found a nice girl for himself.

I was on a social networking website "mocospace.com". I enjoyed the site. I was friends with a few people. It's similar to facebook but it has chat. Now the story I'm about to start telling is of my current boyfriend. We will call him A. He asked to be my friend on the site and I sent him a message back asking why he didnt have photos on his profile. Well to make the long of it short, he had the pictures hidden. I did accept him as a friend and we talked. I got to where I looked forward to his messages on the site. He would send me a message every morning "good morning beautiful". As a woman we know how this feels. I was in heaven. I did give him my cell number but it was I guess a week before he actually text me to my phone. When he did I asked who it was and he said I'll give you one guess. Well I have to say I knew who it was but had forgot his actual name since I was use to seeing his screenname. He was disappointed and I explained what I mentioned. We talked on text for a few days. He then asked me to meet him, now it had been a few weeks of talking, getting to know each other prior to us texting.

I agreed to meet him. I am so glad I did. No women please do not take this as everyone on the internet is who or what they say they are because I'm sure some are not. I say be very careful. I allowed him to come to my apartment to meet me. Well I will say eventhough he was on the up and up, don't do this. I was so excited to see him in person. He came to my door I let him in and he hugged me and kissed me. I'm not saying kiss strangers either. We had talked about it and I told him prior to, if he felt like kissing me he could. I was already attracted to his wonderful personality and he was cute (saw his pictures remember). It was the most wonderful kiss, I was floating on air. Well the night went well, we talked and got to know each other more. He then asked to come back and see me again the next night, I agreed. He lives two hours from me so just for him to make the effort, I thought was great. We actually saw each other 4 times that first week.

We have chemistry, oh boy do we. He makes me laugh, smile and feel wonderful. He is a tall guy over 6 foot and big guy over 200 pounds. He is irish, red hair and tattoos. I am a tattoo girl. I love them and think if done well can be very sexy. I have one tattoo myself. Which by the way was a complete surprise to him. Our realtionship so far has been fast and furious. We really care about each other, well I love him. It has only been two months but its like a fairytale. For those of you reading this thinking.... she is just vulnerable and wants to be loved. You know you are partially right....we all want to be loved. I'm not vulnerable, trust me on this fact. My marriage was over for 2 years prior to us actually splitting up and we didnt even sleep in the same bed for 8 months or so before I moved out.

Ok now A, the boyfriend, thinks that he is not good-looking. Trust me I find him irrestible. He is sweet, passionate, funny, and does all the right things. I know I keep using that word "right". What does it mean? Well in this instance it means, opening doors, being nice and doing the small things. The way he looks at me, oh my, I melt. He has the softest touch in the whole world. He holds my hand, calls me baby, texts me morning, noon, and night. We laugh together and I enjoy his company so much. I am so glad that I took that chance and met him. It was definitely worth it for me.

All the time I spend with him is magical. It's not all the time, because he lives 2 hours away and I have two kids that I spend 50% of my time with. He has kids too, so he understands being a parent, which is great. He has been married before and understands the EX problems too.

This is all that I am writing for now. I will keep you posted on this whole situation. I hope to have a long fulfilling life, with my kids and my wonderful boyfriend A.