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Our trip to VA Beach is over. It was nice and tiring all at the same time. I got sunburn as I said before, so did Hailey a little. The kids had fun and really it was about them. As I watched the other families together, I thought about how lonely I was at that moment. I do have a great guy, A, that I am seeing. We are not together on the weekends normally. He works so much. I thought about what I want and you know I realize I want a family back. Now don't get me wrong I don't want my ex back. I'm through will that scene. I do want to have a family once again someday. That is what I will work toward.

I have great friends and it helps to have them in my life but I am a family person at heart. It sucks that I have to start over but it is for the best. We had a horrible marriage for so many years and I was so unhappy that I couldn't enjoy my kids. I am going to make it a point to enjoy my kids and to find what my heart so desires. I want to say that I think I have found it but it's just too early to know. A says he loves me and trust me I love him too. But only being 2 months in... I'm not sure where the relationship will go.

It's hard having him so far away, 2 hours. Not seeing him breaks my heart. I hate to leave him when we are together. At this point we have so little time together that I cherish the time that we do have. It's hard to trust when you have been through all that I have been through in life. If I want this relationship to work, I do have to trust him or I will break this down. I feel like an outsider sometimes though cause it is new. I have to stop trying to read into things and just enjoy our relationship as it is now. If you are a woman, you know how hard that is. We always are looking to see what is coming next. It's going to take some work on my part but I will try my hardest to enjoy what we have and to stop looking to see what's coming next.

We need to live in the moment because life is too short but we are human and tend not to do that. It's mother's day and I have the kids with me which is great. A and all my friends told me "Happy Mother's Day". I still long to see A though. It has been since Wednesday and I miss him so much. When we were together it was so nice. We went to dinner at a small seafood restaurant, which had great bacon wrapped scallops. It wasn't really busy so it was nice, quiet and we were able to talk to each other. I went to see him after work so I got there about 730 or 800 pm. After dinner we drove by his work, he had to check and make sure everything was locked up. It was nice to see where he worked, just because I can now visualize it when he talks about work. I also got to see the apartment where he lives. So after dinner we watched some tv and then went to bed. I had to get up early to go to work and so did he.

He did tell me when he was here visiting me on Monday that he was going to try to take a day off on the weekend to spend with me. It would be nice to have a whole day with him. I will be waiting to hear if he is able to do that or not. I know he has to work to support himself and his girls. While I was with my kids this weekend, he got to see his girls. I'm glad he did, I know he misses them.

Well on to me. This is suppose to be about me, right? lol As mothers we all know its never about us. I long for things to settle down and to get a routine. For my life to have some sort of normallcy. I'm not sure what is normal. I guess its different for everyone. I want to feel like I've gotten my life under control and I don't really feel that way right now.

I am trying to get bills paid off and I think once I'm able to do that, I will feel a lot less stressed and be able to enjoy my life. I don't want to have to worry about every little dime that I have. I want to be able to do somethings. I have been taking trips to see A, a few times and really I could've used that money for something else. I feel that if all I do is pay bills and work, that I am not having any sort of life and then I will disappear like so many of us do.

The poker league I joined is no longer. It was going down-hill quickly, we could all see it coming. It's depressing though cause it was something that I looked forward to doing and kept me busy, when there was nothing else. I enjoy playing poker, its challenging and fun. I enjoyed meeting the people and building some type of bonds with people from all walks of life. For now we have wednesday nights but I know that will stop as soon as Chris moves to Norfolk.

I sit in this apartment sometimes and feel so alone. I know that I will have to spend some time alone but being that I never had to do it before it is very hard. I have deal with lots of things that I never had to before. I went from my parents house to marrying my ex. I was 17 and didn't think I had any other options in life. I have made something of myself. I am a mother, have a good job and am a good person. A lot of people don't see the good in me because I push them away by being abrupt, rude and stand-offish.

It's funny though cause I never was that way with A. He made me so comfortable from the first day we met. I feel safe, secure, and loved in his arms. I guess that's why I yearn for him so much. He knows what do to without me having to tell him. He'll just tell me he loves me for no reason, hugs me, holds my hand and those little things mean so much more to me than anything that can be bought. I will be working towards not screwing this up. He's on my mind more than I ever thought anyone would be. I can close my eyes and see his face and I just smile. The way he looks at me it's as if no other person exsists but him and I.

Well I guess I need to close this out for now. I have to get things together, the kids leave in a few hours. They love scooby-doo, and its a marathon. :-)