Father's Day

On this day I can say I don't have a father. I have a subject that allowed his sperm to be a part of making me. It's horrible that I have to feel that way but he caused it to be. We'll leave that alone because that is pandora's box.

What I can't believe is that I offered up for him (ex) to have the kids today and he said I'll pick them up at 5. "there's nothing special going on" Does that tell you what he feels his role as a father is. It sure says something to me. If I didn't have the kids on Mother's Day, I would've asked to have them and fought for it. Oh well, you can't make a person be who they should be. I as a good mother, took the kids out and let them buy their father a present and card. I had Hailey send him a text message. I did not even get acknowledgement from him on mother's day. I refuse to make this a pissing contest. The kids are not old enough yet to do this on their own and I am going to show them even if we dont love each other anymore, you can be civil and do what is best for them.

I believe you lead by example. I have done this. I have stepped aside to make things easier on them but he has decided to be nasty. I will no longer step aside and I plan to do what I want with the rest of my life. I have plans, that will make us all happy, well the us that matters anyways.

This year is going to be the tell all, I have a feeling. Unfortunately, I think it will tell all to the children as well and it's going to hurt them. I will be there to pick up the pieces, I always have been. I had hoped since he wanted them to stay that he was going to be the father he needed to be. I had hoped this had opened his eyes to what is important but I dont believe that to be the case. I am sorry I made the decision I did and I pay for it everyday. The decision I am referring to is my kids staying with him instead of living with me. I know Hailey needs me but so does Jacob.

A mother can provide things that a father just can't. It's the nature of nature.

The weekend

This weekend has been a good one. We spent quality time with the kids and my cousin's family. We watched movies, kids played, and we had time to catch up. We went to visit with them again today, played in the pool, watched movies, and the kids ran a muck. :-) It's nice for my kids to get to know their 2nd cousins and play with them like April and I use to. I saw her brother Bubba last night. It has been forever. I saw her mom and dad as well. It's so nice that we are getting back to being close again. Growing up we were so close, more like sisters not cousins.

On another note, I miss my baby (A). He got to be with his kids this weekend. I'm glad, he doesn't get to see them as often as I know he would like to. I got to see a picture of them today. It was so sweet, they are beautiful little girls. I sent him pictures of my kids too. I think he's finally getting comfortable with the fact that I am not going anywhere. I do love him and want to be with him long term.

I am so exhausted, cutting it short. I will be back tomorrow. :-)

It Hurts

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt? You can't see them and you feel pain. You can't hold them, kiss them, or hear their voice and you feel physically Ill. I have and I do. It's so hard to have a relationship with someone you can't see whenever you want. It's hard to want to feel their touch, their kiss and hear their voice. You do anything you can to feel close to them. A song, a piece of clothing, a picture beside your bed. It only seems to remind you that you have no idea the next time you will be near them. Are they oblivious to all of these feelings you have? Do they know, you tear up when you hear a song that reminds you of them? A scent of their soap can make you stand still.

You hear footsteps and think is it, you know its not. A voice can make you turn your head. Every day seems to drag on and feels like an eternity. You fell for them and you didn't have a choice. It seemed to be destiny. It was fate putting you together and life pulling you apart. Your body aches for the touch you so much want to feel and you lie awake even though you are exhausted. You close your eyes and see their face, hear their voice, feel their touch...you wake with a jump hoping that it wasn't a dream. You look around, realize it was, and try try try to sleep again.

You watch others with their families, loves and it hurts to see them together. You don't want to feel this way but it creeps up on you. You wait for the call or text message, it lets you know they are thinking of you. You wonder do they feel the way I do or am I just too damn emotional. You wonder things that shouldn't even cross your mind. Who are they with? You know they love you. You know they've told you, its only you. Idle time does things to a person, makes them doubt what they are so sure of when they are with the one they love. You think what are they doing? Do they wonder these things about me? You worry because you are not there for them.

Will someone else come along and steal away their heart, while you are so far away? Will they look at someone else because they want the lonely to go away? You know that you have to trust them. They haven't done one thing to make you feel this way, think this way or doubt what they say. You worry about everything. Then comes the time when you are with them and you think "I am so dumb. It is so obvious they love me. They missed me. Why do I torture myself?" You never really know why you do this to yourself. It could be because others have failed you. Old loves, family, friends or just life it's self.

You wish for sleep to come, take away your blues, dry your tears and make it all okay. You wish for the sun to shine in the morning, and all these thoughts to float away with the moon. Do they? Maybe, you have to keep on, life will leave you behind, it stands still for no one and no one's pain. You hope that tomorrow you have the strength to not allow these bad, crazy, sad thoughts into your mind. You wait for that little sign that they have the same disease, Love. It makes you happy and sad all at the same time. It can make you king/queen of the world or devistate you into oblivion.

I guess that's why there are so many books, counselors, and friends for you to lean on. You feel like a burden to your friends, they can't possibly want to hear this 1,000 times, you start a blog. WOW, maybe I'm a writer at heart. If I could piece this all together I could publish it and maybe make a few bucks, having complete strangers in tears. Off to dreamland, well I hope so.

Weekends

The weekends are hard. When I have the kids, it's so busy. No downtime, run here and run there. I have to wait until they are down for the night to watch tv.

When I don't have them, I try to find something to fill the time. I usually spend my time cleaning, washing dishes and clothes, and watching some tv or movies. My wonderful boyfriend works weekends. I understand it, it's his job - construction. I miss him something awful when I don't get to see him.

I spend time with my friend Carrie and her family as well. It's hard to watch them as a family now. I don't want to be with my EX. Trust me not even a tiny bit. I want a family unit again though. It is what I've always wanted. I think that's why I stayed for so long. I hoped I would have feelings for my EX one day but that never happened. I woke up at 34 years old and thought "how the hell did I get here".

I know what I want now but I dare not put it out here for anyone. I will keep it tucked away in my inner most thoughts. I have a dream and I am working towards that dream. I will eventually get there. I have a vision of how I want my life to be and who I want to be there with me. I hope that the feelings are mutual there as well. I think they are. It's hard to say what life will bring though.

I look at him and all I see is how much I am in love with him. I'm amazed that I could feel this much for anyone, especially after the last 17 1/2 years of the marriage that should've never been. I guess if my EX saw this it would hurt his feelings. I don't want that to happen.

I really never want to hurt anyone. I am normally very brash with people. He (A) has seen the side of me, that I dare not share with anyone. The soft, caring, loving and emotional side of me. The smile when he walks in a room. The laughter I didn't let into my life until him. He makes me happy, really really happy.

I do love him with all my heart. For anyone who says I'm just clinging to him because I'm hurt---to hell with you.

time marches on

You know I sit here and I miss him. The time seems to go on as though nothing is on my mind. I have the kids this weekend and I enjoy my time with them. I have a refrigerator full of coloring pages now, Hailey is an artist. I rented a few movies from the redbox. We watched "princess and the frog" and "alice in wonderland". I still have another movie to watch "love happens". It's a love story and I know it will make me cry.

He expressed that he thinks I will get tired of his working alot and find someone else. I assured him that their was no one else for me. I knew that day March 15th, that I had found my soulmate after all these years of wasting my time on a marriage that never should have been. He walked in and my heart jumped out of my body and attached its self to him. That first kiss was so intoxicating I couldn't have resisted him if I had wanted to. I didn't want to resist his embrace, I became so wrapped up in him it was like a movie.

So many things point to we should be together. I use to have this dream. A man with no face would come to my rescue. I could never see whom he was. I could feel his love and the warmth and comfort that he brought to me. He would wrap his arms around me and I would feel it would be ok. I don't have that dream anymore. It's funny every since I met him (A). It's because all the things that no faced stranger gave me in my dreams is now coming from a real live man whom I love with my whole heart.

I fell fast and hard. It scared the living crap out of me. I still have moments of sheer terror. I pray that he stays with me and doesnt find anyone else. I guess we both of the same issues. We both have had people in our lives who have made it difficult to not worry about the other wanting someone else. I'm giving that fear up. I will not allow it to sneak into my head anymore. I'm living with my heart, loving him with all I have. It's the only way that I can know I have given all of me. I want him to have all of me. I want him to know I'm never going anywhere. That he has given me what I have looked for all of my life. That he is the guy that I wanted, he is the guy, that was in my dreams as a little girl.

I always wanted a very caring, compassionate and loving relationship. I never had it. I never felt completely comfortable with anyone. I do with him. I miss him more than I could imagine missing another human being. It's been a few months, really not that long in the scheme of things but I feel like he's been in my heart forever.

Again, time is marching on and on. I know as our relationship continues on, we will both be assured that our love is that of forever.

Anyone who knows me, and reads this will think I'm crazy and vulnerable because of the break-up. Rest assure you all who know me, this is my heart talking and it has nothing to do with the other situations in my life. I was lucky enough to find that person who is speaking directly to my heart and making all this life worth wanting and living for.

WOW

Here I am, thinking of him. He is just so sweet. Today was his birthday, told him happy birthday first thing this morning. He had been looking for truck, got one today. Oh I bet he is all smiles. Of course, I said that to him and he says a lil. I told him he should smile, I love his sexy smile. His response, "your not here". Well unfortunately that is true. My heart is there however.

He should be happy. He wants to make everyone else happy. I love to hear his voice, oh how sexy it is. He has his bedroom voice on when he talks to me. I smile every time I hear my text message sound goes off. I anticipate it is him everytime. Well when it's not, I loose that smile. He sends me a love you message and I melt. He just doesn't understand how much his sweet sweet loving personality makes me happy.

I wondered when we first met, when is this going to end. But you know what, it is not going to end, this is him. I am truly in love with him for so so so so so many reasons. Some I will not be putting in writing, LOL. I will not ever put his name on here either.

Let me tell you his smile. Oh boy! Yes I am this into him. I tell him too. I have become another person with him. I am a person who wants to share, care, love and follow her heart now. I am for the most part a happy person. I do have some drama to put up with....when you have an EX, you have drama.

I honestly wish I could spend every day with him but it's not fesiable. He works construction. That means he works hard and long hours. He is worth waiting for, everything I ever wanted. I never thought I would find a man like him. I had heard rumors they were out there. I had never seen them. LOL He thinks he hasn't done anything special. He doesn't realize that him being who he is, is all I need.

All I need is his heart, sweet kiss, and loving arms. When he holds me, I feel loved and safe. I can't wait until the next time I see him. We made the two weeks, oh it was hard. I'm not going to tell you that I just didn't want to run down to see him because oh yes I did. I never thought I was a hard person to figure out and he proves to me if they are the right person; there is nothing to figure out.

I am so loving with him. It's really not me. Or I didn't think that was me. I guess the right person, the right time and the right love, is all I needed to be the person I wanted to be. He makes me want to be a better person. His love makes me soft. I know for those of you who know me it seems weird. I really like the person I am since I met him. I seem to be stronger, nicer, more passionate, more loving and just all around happier.

I have asked myself many many times; is it him or is it me? Well I think it's pretty much the combination of the two of us. His sweetness seems to penetrate my mind, body and soul. I seem to have that sweetness for a few days after I have seen him.

Well my next thought, will he be moving back this way after this job is over? I don't know. I haven't asked. I think he might not know either. It's still a few months away but I just wander. I often wander if meeting me makes it harder on him in regards to his work schedule. Was he content before? Did he long for someone to love and hold? I know I was blindsided. I really thought I would still be running around, talking about the bad dates I had. I'm so glad that I am not.

As I've always been told, you get what you need, when you need it. I did. <3 you.

I can't believe it.

It's only been a few months, hard to believe, since I met A. We spent 2 weeks where we didn't get to see each other because of his work schedule. I could tell on the friday, we finally saw each other that he had missed me as much as I had missed him.

He is so sweet and caring. I'm not sure why I couldn't have met him first. Oh well I guess fate is not always nice to us.