Weekends

The weekends are hard. When I have the kids, it's so busy. No downtime, run here and run there. I have to wait until they are down for the night to watch tv.

When I don't have them, I try to find something to fill the time. I usually spend my time cleaning, washing dishes and clothes, and watching some tv or movies. My wonderful boyfriend works weekends. I understand it, it's his job - construction. I miss him something awful when I don't get to see him.

I spend time with my friend Carrie and her family as well. It's hard to watch them as a family now. I don't want to be with my EX. Trust me not even a tiny bit. I want a family unit again though. It is what I've always wanted. I think that's why I stayed for so long. I hoped I would have feelings for my EX one day but that never happened. I woke up at 34 years old and thought "how the hell did I get here".

I know what I want now but I dare not put it out here for anyone. I will keep it tucked away in my inner most thoughts. I have a dream and I am working towards that dream. I will eventually get there. I have a vision of how I want my life to be and who I want to be there with me. I hope that the feelings are mutual there as well. I think they are. It's hard to say what life will bring though.

I look at him and all I see is how much I am in love with him. I'm amazed that I could feel this much for anyone, especially after the last 17 1/2 years of the marriage that should've never been. I guess if my EX saw this it would hurt his feelings. I don't want that to happen.

I really never want to hurt anyone. I am normally very brash with people. He (A) has seen the side of me, that I dare not share with anyone. The soft, caring, loving and emotional side of me. The smile when he walks in a room. The laughter I didn't let into my life until him. He makes me happy, really really happy.

I do love him with all my heart. For anyone who says I'm just clinging to him because I'm hurt---to hell with you.