drama - too much too fast

all i have to say is why must i be put in the middle of drama that i did not create or have part in. i want to move on with my life, get rid of the drama and harrassment but that is so not happening. now not only do i have my soon to be ex contacting me with nonsense, is girlfriend or ex girlfriend whatever it is, is contacting me too. really, i didnt ask for this never contacted her and have stayed out of their relationship unless it came to my kids.

i want to move out of my apartment but i cant because my ex wont sell the house and wont take my name off either.

Worse Case Sceanario

Well it is true. He is going away with his job. He lives very soon. What am I to do? Where does that leave us? None of these questions have been answered. I hope that they will be prior to him leaving. I still love him as I have for the last 6 months. I'm not real sure how I will be able to deal with not seeing him anymore. Will we still talk? I told him at a minimum I would like to be his friend. He said that would be hard.

What does he want to happen? Will I ever know what he really wants?

It's been a long time

Well, it's been a while since I posted. So much is going on and I can't put it out for the world to read. I can say I'm still in love with him.

Let's go here.... Trust
I have so many people in my ear. I really dont know whom to trust. Everyone seems to have their own agenda these days. Is it that they like me and want to see my relationship fail? Are they jealous of what I have with him? Do they want me not to get hurt? Who knows. I do know that I trust him. If he tells me something I'm taking him at his word.

.....Leaving...
He has to go away for work. I am upset about it. What can I do? Nothing. I know he doesn't want to go for many reasons. He started to push me away. It hurt for him to do it. I understand why but it doesn't make it any easier. I don't know what he will want to do while he is gone. I have told him my feelings. I wish I knew what the end result is going to be. Maybe in my heart of hearts, I do know. I don't want to face that right now. I am going to spend what time I can with him while he is still here. I asked for us to stay as at least friends. He said that would be hard. I don't want for him to go and I never see or talk to him again. It is just too devistating. My heart is with him, I don't want it back. I want him to keep my heart and to keep loving me.

.....Why.....

I keep asking, why did I meet him for him to be taken away from me? I have enjoyed being with him and love him with all my heart. I don't understand why he has to be ripped out of my life. I ask God but I haven't gotten an answer. Maybe I will never have an answer. He is so good to me. He is a good man. He is what I have been wanting in my life. So again I ask.... Why?

.....Distance.....

A long distance relationship is hard. It must be based on trust or it will drive you crazy. I never had one before and had trouble dealing with it in the past. The distance will be greater between us now in a few weeks but I still long to be his "baby". I am willing to trust, have faith and love him while he is gone. I haven't gotten an answer for what it is he wants to do yet. I know this is hard on him as well. I know that he was hoping he would be coming back home.

....Love.....

That's what I have for him and my heart will be his weither he stays or gos.

Love

What can I say about "love"? Not really that much. We all know when we feel it but dont always know what about the person triggers it. I am in love with a man that I would have never thought would feel that way for me. He does and it is amazing when we are together. It's hard to be without him and for him to be far away. I want time to do what other couples get to do. Movies, dinner, and just plain old sitting around. We dont have time for that most of the time. We have done some of it but it's not often.

His job is nearing an end and I am worried where the next job will be. I am not sure how I will handle it if he goes further away then where he is now. It's 2 hours between us now and that is hard. There is a possibility of 6 hours away, close to home 45 minutes, or to stay 2 hours away. He doesn't get to make the choice, they decide for him. I am impatiently waiting to hear what the result will be and when it will be taking place. I pray for close and keep hope its not the furtherest away. I love him and the distance will not change that fact. It will however make it hard and frustrating. I dont know what he will say if they send him far away, will he still want to be with me or just have the space.

I hope that he loves me as much as I love him and hope that he doesnt go far away.

Really

I sit here and am more confused by relationships now than I was when I was a teenager. People's words and actions dont match. They say one thing and do something that makes you feeling the total opposite. I dont only mean relationships between men and women. I mean friendships as well. I am 35 and just dont know what to believe. I dont know who to trust and whom to believe. I sit here wishing I had some type of magic mirror that would allow me to see what and whom to believe and who not.

I am alone and really dont like it. I am not the person who can be ok with not taking care of others. I fell for someone really hard and it hasnt been easy since. I wish I could get back to the first days that we went out. It was fun, exciting, and we saw each other. Now it's filled with jobs, kids and obstacles. I love my kids and so does he. They are a blessing and what we both live for. The jobs..wow... where do I even begin. It is so hard to be here while he is there. It's a possibility that he could be sent further away then he is now or stay where he is. It would be nice if he could come back closer to home, just for a little while. I want our relationship to have the time and attention it needs to grow.

I guess love is not easy, it is hard and you have to fight every minute. I have been fighting and I will continue to do so as long as I am not the only one fighting for it to work. I love him and I believe him when he tells me that he loves me. Its life that makes this a roller-coaster ride. I am hanging on screaming. I hope that in the end this pays off. I hope that I get the result that I am wishing for, a life with him and to love him.

oh well, it is what it is, right? Fingers crossed!!!!

Lonely

It is amazing that you can be surrounded by a million people in a day and still be lonely. I'm no longer amazed by that because I live it everyday. I am looking for what my life is going to become, I know what I want. I know how I want it to all play out but my timeframe is not going to be abided by that I am sure of.

I am in love with a wonderful man whom I miss so much it hurts. He's working out of town, but I knew this when I met him. Did I really expect this to change because of me? I didn't count on falling in love with him so quickly. I dont want to imagine being without him. I am willing to forge through this to be with him. Everyone around me thinks I'm crazy. I am a little bit.

Well there isn't much to say really: I love him, he loves me and we see where it goes.

To the One I hurt

I hurt someone that I loved. I betrayed their trust and I am so sorry. I allowed outside sources and negativity to make me suspicious when they did not deserve it. I can only say that as things happen to us in life, we become suspicious and cynical. It shouldn't be that way. Especially me! I had so much torture in my life. I have been hurt by the people whom told me they loved me most.

I have become cynical, suspicious and distrusting. I vow at this point in my life, I'm giving this up. I may have destroyed the one thing that I wanted most in my life. The love I always wanted by being just plain suspicious, without cause.

If my love decides to go, I will know it was because I couldn't let go of the past. I am going to see my Doctor and I will find away to get over all this. I do not want to hurt anyone the way I have been hurt. I apologize, deeply, and from the bottom of my heart, my love.

If you read this my love, please find a way to give me another chance. I will earn your trust back, I promise you this. And know that I now understand how badly I hurt you and I want to make it right. Please try to see that my intentions were not to hurt you or anyone else. Especially not the ones that you love, not them and not you.

So here is a warning to the rest of you = Let it go or it will tear you down.